Children at Birth

Most people in our society would scoff or be appalled by the idea of a child attending the birth of a sibling. I am not one of those people. I am part of the group that believes it is important for older siblings to attend the birth of a new baby. Children who have attended the birth of a sibling have a better respect for and understanding of how much work it is. They are bonded in a unique way with the baby. The family feels more unified and are more closely bonded. Children can handle being at a birth, even a painful one, but you must prepare them.

You can't expect a someone, even an adult, to go into a birth unprepared and expect them to handle it well. Preparation is important. A child, on their own, cannot be expected to understand that the pain and work of labor are normal. All they see is Mama in pain and little baby is the reason for it. This can cause the child to be afraid of birth and resent their sibling. However, if you prepare them for what is to come, they will handle it beautifully. You need to show them birth videos so that they see what will happen. Show them pictures of a newborn, the placenta, etc. and explain what these things are. Talk to them and let them ask questions. Practice going through labor and birth with them, making the sounds and faces you might make. Have them make noises and faces with you. Explain that these things are normal and that the baby is not hurting Mama, she's just working really hard.

If your child shows you that they are uncomfortable or can't handle being there, then don't force them. Have someone there that can take them away or distract them if they can't handle it or decide they don't want to be there. Labor is a very long and physically demanding process and children have small attention spans. If you are laboring at night, let them sleep until it's time to push. If they are awake, let them come and go as they please. Have things that can distract them during your most difficult parts of labor, so you can focus on labor rather than them.

Give them something to do. If your child likes to be a big helper, let them be the one to get feed Mama ice chips or snacks, hold her drinking glass for her, wipe her forehead with a damp cloth, etc. If they want to be involved in the coaching, prepare them for it. They may want to help Mama make her noises. This can be a good source of comfort or comic relief for her. Children like feeling needing and this is a time when Mama will need a lot. After the birth, they can help in other ways too. If they are older, they can hold the baby for her while she's doing something. They can answer the door for your guests and play host. Even the little ones can bring her the things she needs, like handing her wipes when it's time to change baby or bringing her something to eat or drink. Let them pick the baby's outfit for the day or help rub the baby's back when it's time to burp. There is so much they can do to be helpers at any age.

When a child witnesses the birth of a sibling, a very special and unique bond is created. Just as twins have a special bond, so will the older sibling and baby, even if that older sibling is very young. This isn't going to prevent sibling rivalry by any means, but it will make them bonded. No matter the age, they will always remember this experience. They will be proud that they got to help "born" the baby. The family, as a whole, will be uniquely bonded as well. Having your child at the birth of your baby will intensify the bond you already have with them. The hormones being produced during labor and right after birth that bond you to your baby, will also cause you to be more closely bonded to the child attending your birth as well.

If you are thinking about having your child at your birth, there are things you need to consider first.

Will your birth team allow you have children there?

Depending on where you will give birth, they may not be allowed to be around you at all. Some places may allow them to be with you only during labor and not while you are pushing. Some may only allow them to come in after everything is over. Be aware of your birth team's policies about children at birth.

Do you want your child to be there?

You need to seriously assess your own feelings about having your other children at your birth. Remember, you are going to be working very hard and they may be a huge distraction to you. Are they going to be a help or hindrance? Are you ok with them seeing you working so hard, crying, being in pain, or anything else that comes with labor and birth.

Are you going to be comfortable with your child seeing you in various stages of undress?

If you have never let your child see you naked, then this is something you need to think about. During labor, women being extremely hot and uncomfortable. Many start out fully dressed, but end up naked by the time they are ready to push. Think about how your child will feel about others seeing you this way as well as them seeing you like this. Boys tend to be more protective of their mothers and may be upset by others seeing you undressed. This is something you need to discuss with them and really listen to how they feel. If they've never been allowed to see you undressed, the sight of you losing your modesty will seem taboo to them. They may feel as though they are doing something wrong by seeing you that way and cause issues of it's own. Think very hard about what you and your child are comfortable with before making your decisions.

Does your child even want to be there?

Children change their minds about things on a daily or even hourly basis. One day they may want to be there for the birth and the next they may not. Listen to your child and keep an open mind. If you have chosen to have them there, let them have the freedom to come and go as they feel comfortable. They may start off not wanting to be there, but then change their minds as the baby is emerging. They may want to wait till the baby is out before seeing it. They may start off wanting to be there for all of it and get uncomfortable and leave or want to do something else for a while. Be flexible with them.

What will you do with them if you have to transfer?

If a complication arises and you have to be moved from your home or birth center to the hospital, what will you do with the older children? You need to have a back up plan for them whether it's sending them to a friend's house or having them come over or already be there to take care of them.

Carefully consider all your options and possibilities before you make any decisions. Talk to your children and evaluate each of them to see who will be able to handle your labor and birth. Have arrangements made for the ones who don't want to be there. Be prepared in case of transfer. Make sure your children are prepared. Being a part of your birth will be life changing for them, how you prepare them will determine whether that change will be good or bad.